Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Stern Warning (guest post)

Sex should not be funny.  Sex is deadly-serious stuff and while it might perhaps be intended for things other than procreation (specifically, becoming skilled enough at sex that it increases your chance of procreation) it's certainly not a topic for laughter and joking.

The bedroom is not a place for practical jokes.  For instance, never blindfold your partner before sex, then pretend to be about to have sex with him or her while actually calling in your best friend to switch places with you.  It might cause unnecessary friction in the relationship when your partner can't tell the difference between the two of you.  Never tie your partner down and tickle him or her teasingly, or make it just to the edge of intercourse and then pull away without completing the act.  It's both unfair to your partner and to your own biological needs to procreate (or at least practice).  Never playfully insert toys into various orifices instead of using your own body parts.  If you must employ toys at all, they should be the same shape and size as the parts they are intended to represent; candy canes, giant foam fingers, baseball bats, and bullet-shaped chrome vibrators with "From Russia With Love" scratched on the side of them are not to be employed.  Above all, sex toys are intended for physical stimulation; if they make you or your partner giggle, they should be thrown away.

Laughing while in the throes of coitus is both rude and potentially dangerous.  During sex, the higher functions of the brain, particularly in the male of the species, are ideally shut down completely, leaving the libido and medula oblongata the only thing functioning.  Laughter may bruise the ego, but it may also call to the primitive mind the cackle of the hyena, a deep-seated genetic memory of predatory beasts from the days when humans had to keep genitive encounters violent and short for fear of attracting wild animals.  Do not be surprised if your laughter, whether it be intended kindly or not, rouses a primitive instinct in your partner to throw you violently to the floor and grab the nearest sharp object to defend the cave.  Even if this does not happen to you, consider what laughter is saying to your partner: "I'm enjoying myself enough to be comfortable exposing my inner playfulness to you."  Is this really the message you want to send?  The answer is no: while during sex one must occasionally expose oneself physically (although one can avoid the lion's share of this by having sex with the lights out), one must make sure there is never an emotional or mental connection because those connections could lead to feelings other than the procreative urge.

Sex is not a time for games.  While it is grudgingly admitted by most professionals that the occasional change of position from the tried and true (and symbol of our human superiority over animals) missionary position must be countenanced, games should be kept in small boxes in a closet with names like "Chess," not brought to the bedroom for entertainment.  And don't think that it's okay to play a sexual version of Chess either.  Hide and Seek is a children's pass-time, not a prelude to love-making.  It should not be performed in the nude and should certainly not lead to intercourse in places other than the bed.  It is for children.  Because you have achieved the age where sexual congress is accepted, you are no longer children and thus games are no longer for you.

In particular, please do not invite a group of people to your bedroom to play games.  It may seem like a good idea to line up a group of women and play a sexy version of leapfrog, but what if one of those women should raise her head unexpectedly?  The man who is performing the leaps might not leap high enough, which could result in damage to his genitals and procreative urges.  Freeze tag is definitely also not a game to consider as a part of sexual activities, particularly if the rules involve either the safety zone being inside a woman's vagina or if the "tagging" must include some form of penetration.  In a pool with a group of like-minded and like-unclothed adults, the temptation to play Marco Polo may be strong, but resist the urge, even if the reward for catching someone is coitally-applied.

Perhaps you were one of those unfortunate youngsters who were tricked into playing a game of Spin the Bottle when you were younger.  This may have warped your mind slightly, but it's not too late.  Do not agree to play a similar game now that you are of an age to participate in things other than kissing.  Spin the Bottle may seem like an ideal way to gain sexual experience from someone other than your partner, but the chances of successful procreation outside your partnership are mitigated by the chances of disease or sexual incompatibility.  Plus, as has already been stated, sex is not a game.

There are some games which are perfectly acceptable for adults to play, many of which involve gambling.  Do not be tempted to turn these games into gambling for the sexual favors of other players.  "IOU one blowjob" is not an acceptable form of legal tender.  Games will be constantly being interrupted to partake of these sexual favors in any case, and this will disrupt both the enjoyability of the game and the congress of the favors.

I cannot let this section end without a discussion of Truth or Dare, or as it is sometimes called, Forfeits.  The latter is even more dangerous because there is no opportunity for the players to keep from having to be dared to do something, and while as a child, when games of this sort were more appropriate, the dares tended to be harmless enough, as an adult, you will no doubt be dared to do all manner of unseemly things, which might or might not be appropriate within the confines of your partnership but are definitely not to be made a game of.  Say no to sexual Truth or Dare.

Sex should never be given as a gift, or combined with other gifts in a way which would ostensibly improve the sexual act.  Wrapping oneself and lying under the Christmas tree increases the chances that the tree will fall over on one or both partners as the act is concluded, plus it shows disrespect for the holiday.  Playing a sexy version of Trick or Treat is just inappropriate and I need say nothing more about that.  Eggs were meant to be hidden in places other than the anatomical niches Mother Nature has provided for perfectly normal and serious functions.  I'm sure I need say nothing at all about the danger and sacrilege of combining July 4th and sexual activities.

In summation sex is an essential act, and as such is serious business for both the continuation of your species and the junction of two people in a relationship.  If you don't hate yourself a little for failing every time you have sex, if you don't cry secretly into your pillow at the thought of yet another sexual encounter with a partner for whom you feel next to nothing, if you are a woman and you achieve orgasm or you are a man and you take longer than a minute to achieve orgasm, you're doing it wrong.

I certainly hope no one will read this and take all the advice and reverse it to gain valuable tips on fun things to do sexually.  That was definitely not my intent.

Today's guest post was written by Lexi over an at Exploits of Lexi. You should go visit her. She's got all kinds of good stuff over there. I'm sure she'll get you all worked up and probably even make you laugh a bit! Thanks so much for being my guest, Lexi!


  1. So well written. I was hearing the droning voice of the narrator of those awful 50's personal health and sex films!

    Brilliantly funny. :)

  2. Your writing is just the best thing ever... oh, wait, I wrote this, didn't I? Terrible. Awful. Ought not to be allowed. ;) Thanks for letting me fill in.

  3. Hmmm...seems I've been doing things wrong all these years.... ;-)

    Thanks for the warning!

  4. Starting off with Lexi as a guest poster is a wonderful way to start what is a depressing period of a Lola-less work week.

    I'm afraid, however, that my wife lost the last paragraph when she read it.... Bummer.

  5. foxy - exactly what I thought when I read this.

    Lexi - Thank YOU! ;)


Thanks for stopping by! Lola loves herself some comment love, so please leave her a little somethin' somethin'. Be sure to subscribe to comments as well, as she tries very hard to respond to each one. (She also loves referring to herself in 3rd person.)