My Favorite FMF (guest post, continued)

I know you're all anxiously awaiting fun, sexy stories from my vacation, but I'm already back at work and running short on time to process and write. I did update my Project 365 last night, so you can go there to get a glimpse of some of my vacation adventures. Hopefully I'll get some stories written this weekend; although, it is shaping up to be quite busy.

Last night I received an email from my sister with the continuation of her FMF guest post from while I was on vacation. I know it will help tide you over until I can get some good stories blogged myself.

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(continued from here)

I took a short breathless moment to look at her beautiful body. I was mesmerized by the contrast of her long, dark cascading hair against her alabaster skin. She was even more beautiful completely undressed. Her long legs, tight round ass, and large plump breasts were absolutely tantalizing.

With a sly look toward my husband and his quick nod of approval, I led her to the couch. I continued to lay soft kisses on her lips and neck. I moved with grace and hunger. As I sat her down on the couch, I began to caress her soft, delicate skin. I traced the movement of my hands with light kisses to the softness of her full round breasts. Here I lingered. I let my mouth and tongue go to work. I began by kissing around each breast. Then I began to swirl my tongue over her breast and worked my way toward her very hard nipples. Once I arrived, my tongue began to dance across her nipple and I coaxed it into my hot mouth. Her moans began to increase in volume and I was excited that I could make her make those sounds. I lingered at her breasts; licking and sucking. Every now and then I would glance up at my husband watching this scene and my pussy would tighten with desire as I watched him watch me.

I, then, kissed and licked my way down her belly to her glistening, pretty pink pussy. My hands caressed down her thighs and back up and I felt the heat between her legs. I wanted to taste that pussy, but I also wanted to tease. So, I started kissing up the inside of her long toned thighs. My hot mouth eventually finding its way to her sweet pussy. Oh, my. I couldn’t believe how hot she was and how wet my pussy was. I knew my husband was really enjoying the show as he sat at the end of the couch stroking his massive cock. I returned my attention to her pussy. It was so sweet. I licked. I sucked. I heard her moans become louder. I felt her hands on the back of my head and her legs clasped around me. I felt her start to buck. I brought her to orgasm and tasted her sweet honey as I lapped up every drop. As her orgasm subsided, I slowly removed my mouth from between her thighs only to feel her reach for me. Her mouth hungry. She rose up slightly to pull my face to hers and kissed me. Hard. I almost exploded as her soft hands began caressing my bare skin.

She pulled me down on the couch next to her and continued kissing me as she stroked my breasts. She left my mouth and began to kiss down my neck to my breasts. She lingered here and licked and sucked. Her mouth felt so good. Her tongue darting across my nipples causing them to become erect. She licked down my belly to my pussy and began to eat. Each caress of her tongue made me gasp with delight. By this time my husband could no longer keep his distance. As she was licking my pussy, he came up beside me and fed me his giant cock (I love sucking cock). I was in heaven. She ate. I sucked. I came.

Poem 45 (guest post)

Simple words of rhyming
Are all I have to give
Flesh so hard, perspiring
The memories I relive

Her words across the ether
The joy of viewing her face
I close my eyes as I see her
Wishing for that embrace

Longing for her touch
Wishing for her lust
At times it's just too much
But carry on I must

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Today's guest post was written by The (one and only) Muffin Fan over at One Man's Love for Women. He has some of the most beautiful poetry, and you've absolutely got to check out his HNT photos! ::swoon::

The Rules (guest post)

Since Lola is off somewhere tropical, she asked if I'd contribute something while she's away. I figured, why not, maybe she'll send me some special pictures to show her appreciation for the extensive time and effort I put into this masterpiece. Or not...

I can usually be found at my Hangout, you should stop by sometime!

And now, here are the Guy Rules:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are the rules from the guys side. These are OUR rules!!! And please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!!!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down!!!

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work!!! Strong hints do not work!!! Obvious hints do not work!!!! Just say it!!!

1. We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!!

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are!!! Don't ask us!!! We've been tricked before!!!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping???

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Hilarious, Hubman! Do you make a fort when you camp on the couch? :) I'll be sure to send you something real special for letting us all in on "the rules."

My Favorite FMF (guest post)

One of my most favorite FMF experiences occurred when I was working in the restaurant business. We had just hired a new employee and she was beautiful. She had deep, dark bedroom eyes, long auburn hair that cascaded down her shoulders to her very voluptuous breasts. She had long lean legs with a tiny waist and she had a firm, tight, round ass. She was a free spirit and we became fast friends.

As is customary in the restaurant business, employees party after the bar closes. One night, my friend and I went to an after party. We had a few drinks and were a little buzzed. After flirting for a few hours we eventually made it back to my house where we were greeted by my husband and a bottle of wine. We each had a glass of wine or two and really began to feel the effects of the sticky sweet dryness of the wine. As the morning hours grew dim and we were getting ready to retire I turned to my husband and began kissing him.

My friend stood near to our embrace and enveloped us in her arms. My husband whispered to me that she wanted to kiss me. I was astonished. I didn’t believe it at first. Then my husband turned to my beautiful friend and asked her if she wanted to kiss me. She nodded her head yes. I was floored, flattered and excited.

We bent our heads together and began searching each other's lips and mouths. Her lips were so soft. I nearly melted on the spot. We kissed harder. Our mouths opening slightly, energetically our tongues met in the open space between our lips. My hands began to caress slowly up her back to the back of her head. Her soft hair swallowing my hands. I pulled her closer to me and kissed her harder. I re-traced her back to her small, tight ass. I pulled her closer to me; my pussy getting wetter with each caress. I could feel her melt into me and I into her. I wanted her. I wanted to softly caress her neck with kisses. Slowly drag my tongue down her breast bone to her lovely breasts. I wanted to lick and softly suck each nipple as I enveloped each breast with tiny kisses.

My wants became my desires and my desires became my reality. As I kissed her, I began to lay soft, gentle kisses on her neck. This got her even more excited as she felt my hot wet breath. I began to peel her shirt off, laying kisses on her dewy skin as I moved. Soon she was completely naked…

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Today's guest is none other than my beautiful sister. You may remember me running into her at my first swinger's party. She doesn't have a blog of her own. Yet. But if you leave her lots of comments, she may finish this story...and share many more with us. One day, she may even start her own blog.

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UPDATE: My sister has continued this story....here.

Lola in Paradise (guest post)

I'm honored that Lola asked me to write a guest post in her absence. It seems like it might be fun to write my imaginings of what she might post at this very moment, if she could. And in my best impersonation of her voice. So here goes:

I just glanced at the temperatures back in MN, and it's -30F. That's right, MINUS. FRICKIN'. THIRTY!

But that's not our concern right now, because I'm looking

out the window of our room onto a tropical paradise. Bright blue water. White sandy beach. Bright sun. Temps in the glorious 80's.

The change in climate has also increased our always high level of lustiness. Jasper and I have been fucking. like. crazy.

That's not unusual. But we've also had some other fun.

We're staying in a nice hotel. A really nice hotel. You know, the kind that has cabana boys to run around and put out your chair on the beach. And set down the towels. And ask if you'd like anything to drink.

Anyway, the cutest young guy has been setting out our chairs every morning. Not just cute, but really. damn. sexy. And he's been flirting with me. And I've been flirting back. With Jasper smiling his approval.

Once when I went in swimming, I saw Jasper and the cabana boy talking. I wondered if they were planning a surprise for me.

Were they ever.

We left the beach late in the afternoon and came back to the room. I went for a shower. A little disappointed that Jasper didn't join me. But I found out why he didn't when I came out of the shower.

There was Jasper. And the cabana boy. Naked. With a red bow around his waist. Oh. My. God!!!

Over the next 12 hours, the two of them fucked me Every. Which. Way.

I'm still sore as I write this.

Jasper said it's my anniversary present.

We talked about getting together again tonight. And he might bring a girl he knows who works in the restaurant.

This is the best vacation EVER!

Again, this is just my imagining of what our Lola might be up to on her vacation. Check back here soon to find out what actually happened.

Cheers, Max

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Thank you, Max! This sounds like a great vacation story. I hope I come back with some stories just as delicious as this one! Now, go visit this Mystic Satyr (he left you a link above)! This guy has some fun stories and great fantasies. He is one hell of a voyeur (wanna cum watch me?)!

On Desire (guest post)

Stretching myself awake, blinking my eyes open, I roll onto my side, sleepy and warm in the folds of our rumpled bedding. I lay myself across you, resting my cheek on your soft skin, feeling your breathing change, arms enfolding me. Near and deep.

You hold me close, one hand playing through my tangled hair, the other digging firmly into the cool skin of my shoulder. Pressing my body against yours, from head to toe, wrapped around you, all soft flesh and heat. And you know what I want. What I always want when I awake beside you, slipping out of dreams and into fantasy.

With a sharp, deep, intake of breath your hand envelops mine and you push me, easing me away from your body for a moment, onto my back, pinning me into the comfort and luxury of our bed.

I smile up at your lust filled eyes, murmuring my desire.

You hold me there, and I feel small in your power, helpless under your broad hands.

Your knee between my thighs pushes me open, spreading my legs for you, and your mouth descends to my lips, hungrily stealing my eager kisses, sharing our passion and desire and want. And we’re moving together already, finding that familiar rhythm, easing bodies to arousal.

I can feel the heat of your hardness digging into the soft flesh of my belly, grinding against me as your fervent lips travel lower, finding the the peaks of my nipples, tracing their outline with the tip of your tongue.

My body responds the way it always does, with whimpers of delight and the blossoming of heat and wetness between my legs, pressed against your strong thigh.

Raising your head, your smile hovers above me, your lips parting as your hand reaches between my thighs, stroking the heat of my cunt, my pulsing arousal matching yours.

And I frown with want, desperate to feel you thrusting inside me. But you make me wait, letting my breathing grow faster under your masterful touch, parting the lips of my cunt, your fingers tracing the outline of me, feeling my desire melt over your hand.

But you want me too. And there’s only so long you’re willing to wait to satisfy your want.

Pressing me into the soft pillows, you move between my thighs, the warm, throbbing head of your erection pressed against my wetness. I whimper.

And you take me.

That first deep thrust, pushing into my cunt, stretching around you, enveloping you as you penetrate me. My hands clutch your back, clinging to you as you move in and out, desire matching want, the rhythm building as our lips break apart and our eyes meet.

Your arousal crests in growls and your movements get faster, already pushing me towards orgasm, knowing where I live, where I breathe, what I want. We are grinding together, hips moving in rhythm, gasps echoing moans. Bodies growing sweaty, the heat coursing through us, shared and returned.

And as you grow rougher, your body waking up, pushing into mine, taking me, I can feel my pulse rising, my body growing tense. Soft flesh yielding to hard desire.

Panting, writhing, moaning, we are interlocked, fucking, passionate and rough, so close, needing each other.

Your eyes meet mine and I can see how your expression is fixed, your lip trembling as you gasp, telling me you want me to come for you, with you. You want us to hang in that moment, that peak of pleasure before we let go, falling into orgasm.

And I’m clinging around you, every part of my body drawing you closer, deeper. And, with one last thrust, holding there, inside me, we come.

Pushing each other to whimpering, panting, gasping orgasm. Sweaty skin on sweaty skin. Fucking, moaning. Wave after wave of pleasure washing through us.

Until finally we collapse, the smell of sex in the air; satisfaction raising blissful smiles to our lips as our bodies finally part, lying side by side, the cool air brushing over our burning skin.

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Today's guest post was written by Lady Grinning Soul. You should definitely go check her out for some really steamy smut. Her writing definitely gets me all wet. Thanks for sharing your writing with us, LGS!

The trouble with Victoria... (guest post)

...is that she's gotten me into trouble too many times! (100 things about foxy #18)

I was relatively young when I got my first job. My sister worked part-time at a coffee kiosk and the owner just adored her. He agreed to hire me right before I turned 16 (mistakenly thinking I was a "good girl", too).

My very first day I met Michelle. She taught me a lot of things and none of them were about making coffee. Lessons from Michelle :

1. Danny from Hot Sam's will trade soft pretzel sticks for a large coffee. 
2. Don't give your phone number to the creepy "photographer". He's not looking for models, he's just a perv. 
3. You'll get hit on by guys all the time. 
4. Penn Station is an awesome choice for a lunch break. 
5. When Mark the manager goes on break, he's really fucking his girlfriend in the stockroom. 
6. It's worth the longer trip to the restrooms in Lazarus because Chris, the hot security guy, hangs out in the hallways a lot. And..........
7. Victoria's Secret has the best panties.

These noteworthy items were important to a girl new to Mall Protocol. (except #1. Turns out Danny only brought Michelle free soft pretzel sticks because he wanted to get in her pants. Poor Danny - it never worked. Michelle was the ultimate cocktease. She graduated high school a virgin.)

I narrowly avoided an awkward encounter with Creepy Photographer, I got hit on quite often (the glass kiosk was somewhat of a fishbowl ,with lots of blonde fishies), Penn Station is STILL awesome, I never had to witness the illicit interludes of Mark (thank God), that long trip through Lazarus was sooooo worth it ( I ran into Chris so often in that long hallway that he named me "Strut". I may or may not have worked it a bit more for him), and Victoria did indeed have the best panties. I liked them so much that I spent every bit of my first paycheck there. :)

I paid good portions of subsequent paychecks to Victoria as well, because it seems I had a knack for losing my panty inventory. For example :

1.   My boyfriend (known as #1 on my list) liked to "watch movies" in his basement. Somehow watching movies included him fingering me while he rubbed his hard dick against my ass and those panties just got in the way. When his mom would come downstairs to do laundry, jeans were more of a priority to get back on, and he would always shove my panties down in the cushions to hide them. Many, many nights I went home commando. He never returned my undies, though. Damned panty thief. :( So back to Victoria I would go.

2.   My sister had a stupid cocker spaniel that hated me. She chose only my things to chew on and destroy. Headbands, shoes, stuffed animals, retainer, and yes........my beloved panties. The bitch would chew the crotch right out of them. So back to Victoria I would go.

3.   After #1 and I broke up (for the last time) I decided to accept date offers from a few of the cuter guys that would hit on me while I worked. Randy got his timing just right and our first date consisted of him taking me to a bar (how he got away with that I'll never know. I was 16 and no way was he 21!), getting me shit-faced on Long Island iced teas, then sneaking us into an apartment complex to skinnydip in the pool. After we were, uh......done swimming I promptly got dressed and we hit Burger King for munchies and he drove me home. While I was standing in my room at 1:00 in the morning, hair still dripping and thankful that I managed to sneak in with out my parents waking up I noticed my shorts felt funny. Because of where I could feel them. Dammit! My panties were probably still floating in the pool back at the apartments. So back to Victoria I would go.

4.   Long before #1 and I finally broke up we had an impromptu photo shoot. Of me. In my panties. And little else. After we broke up I remembered the photos and after much debate and physical threats he agreed to give them to me. With the negatives. (thank God this was before digital photography) Unfortunately I decided to stash them in my coat pocket and forgot about them. Even more unfortunate that my sister borrowed said coat without asking and found. the. photos. She either told her boyfriend about them or showed them to him because one night my dear sister stopped by work to get her paycheck and her boyfriend took me aside and warned me against taking "that kind" of photos. Or, at least against leaving them in places to be discovered. He is now my brother-in-law and knows way too much about me, in my opinion. The shock from that incident kept my panties under control for awhile, but eventually Victoria beckoned.

5.   Another influence Michelle had on me was partying. She was a party girl. I was not. (Yet.) However, as our friendship grew our Fridays and Saturdays after work were often spent at a local university making new friends, lying about our ages, and scoring free beer. Michelle was a pro at this. One time we shared a guy for the night. He was very drunk and very confused. He thought we were sisters. We let him. He was so drunk that all he could manage was a lot of groping and kissing. Can you imagine being with 2 pretty, under age, willing blondes and then being too drunk to get it up? I hope he was miserably hungover the next day because that was the closest I've ever come to a threesome, and he blew it. Sadly I managed to go home with my panties that time. But the night I met Mark from New Jersey, my panties were toast. He is known as #2 on my list. The first time we met he zeroed in on me at a party, and never left my side. He was sweet, in a hand-holding, "I'll-get-you-another-drink", kiss-me-on-the-back-of-my-neck kind of way. He had more personality than most guys I've ever met at a college party. That particular night he coaxed me back to his room and we traded favors. He offered to do anything if I let him titty-fuck me. He'd never done that and I suppose I inspired him. (BTW, is there a better euphemism for titty-fuck? I can't think of a single one. I tried.) Well anyway, one pearl necklace later he held up his end of the bargain and buried his face between my legs with enthusiasm. So much so, that my panties got ripped from my body. He actually ripped them off! It was fuckhot. It was a good thing I was working the next day because foxy needed more undies - again! So back to Victoria I would go.

6.   Right about this time things changed for me because I switched jobs (which cut down my Michelle time) and I got a car (which cut down my available panty funds). I dated someone seriously for a short while (#3), messed around with #1 on the sly, began lusting after a new guy who eventually became #4, and then, just when I decided to swear off guys who didn't meet my list of credentials, #5 started sniffing around and asked me out. (funny story about that. I'll have to post it sometime.) Against my better judgement I gave him a chance, and unexpectedly we clicked. We clicked so well that for two years I barely gave a thought to my panties as they seemed to always be on the floor, and not really necessary! That didn't stop him from buying me a $200 gift certificate to Victoria's secret for my 19th birthday. I think his celebratory enthusiasm was fuelled by a month of my absence while I toured France. I redeemed my gift certificate with much pleasure, buying not only panties, but matching bras, a few nighties, and a garter and stockings. I loved my gift, he loved my gift. We both enjoyed the hell out of those items. This time I'd have no need to return to Victoria.

It was the gift that kept on giving. We joke about it now, but a month after my 19th birthday, just a few short weeks after purchasing and enjoying to our hearts' content - I discovered I was pregnant. A rational person would accept responsibilty for such an outcome. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not me. It was the panties. It was all because of Victoria....................and I haven't spoken to that bitch since!

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Thank you, thank you, foxy! I, for one, think you should give Victoria another chance. It's not healthy to hold a grudge. :D

Now, if you haven't already, you should definitely go read the other 99 Things about foxy at the Mischievous Little Vixen. She just started blogging in December, but I'm amazed at all the great stuff she's already posted. 

Vacation Sex (guest post)

I just finished a wonderful Christmas vacation with my family.  I took 2 days in the family van and drove to see them for the first time in 2 years.  With our little kids no longer so little, it was time to pack up the Windstar and hit the road.  The drive along the coast was beautiful and as we turned eastward and climbed in to the mountains, it got chilly, then cold, then white with winter snow and Christmas wonder.  My sister-in-law’s timeshare cabin was wonderful, cozy, and small and just the right distance from the rest of the family in the “big” hotel that we couldn’t afford.  The master suite had a pillow-top mattress, 600-count thread, and soon after our arrival, two air mattresses, and four giggling kids.  Sex was not on the agenda.  I love my kids, I love my wife, but having them all in the same room is not conducive to good lovin’ and I knew that this was to be a monk’s weekend, minus the vow of silence.

But this was not planned as a sex vacation.  Those have been had, 2-3 day weekends where we wake up naked, barely dress for breakfast with the other guests, and then crawl back under the covers in a little bed-and-breakfast south of San Francisco, where we spent out first anniversary.  It has been a few years since we had a weekend like that, but I can remember our first 6-orgasm day, our first sleepless night where both breakfast and lunch were missed and the maid service knocked more than once, and the first time she screamed in to her pillow, surprised with the intensity she found.  Those vacations are in the past.  There may be some in the future, but none are planned.

Vacation sex, for us, has always been fraught with uncertainty, High expectations, the stress of travel, new smells, sounds, thin walls, nosy maids, intrusive bell staff, we’ve seen it all, and we’ve lost the balance required for my wife to relax, have fun, and enjoy our private time.  Me?  I love hotel sex.  I love leaving a wet spot, making noise, and waking the businessman next door who has the early meeting.  I love long showers when someone else is paying for hot water and cumming on the tile bench I don’t have room for at home.  I love the feel of expensive sheets on naked skin, the picture windows overlooking a new city, or even just a new view of a city I’ve seen a million times.

Vacation sex is different because the location, sights, sounds, and smells are different.  All the new things that inhibit my wife are freeing to me.  When we went on our honeymoon to the tropics we were no longer virgins (by two days) and it was a miracle to be able to throw off the sheets and lie naked in each other’s arms without guilt or hiding or hesitation.  I remember laying back and masturbating while she watched.  Back then she was fascinated by my cock, how it got hard, long, thick, and shiny at the tip.  She would stroke and fondle me as I pleasured myself and then found joy in impaling herself on my shaft, riding me to her own orgasm.  Honeymoon sex was a discovery, a revelation.  

I remember showering together in an open-air shower on our balcony.  We had a two-story, beach access bungalow with no one underneath us.  We would leave the beach and shower off the sand before going inside.  The beach heat was a nice change from the winter weather of our wedding.  She let me arrange the honeymoon while she handled the ceremony.  Her only stipulation was that we went somewhere warm. We were heading to the mountains for a reception with my family after the honeymoon, so she wanted a hot weather vacation.  I kept the destination a secret until the wedding night.  Her sister had packed her a bag and I left two plane tickets and a new bikini on the bed to let her know I had kept my warm-weather promise.
 
Standing on the balcony, naked and exposed to the beach with just a few trees blocking our view, I learned two things, I was an exhibitionist, and my wife was not.  She insisted on pulling the privacy screen closed but the sun was still shining, the warm breeze drifted across our bare skin, and the surf was loud, and I wasn’t bashful or quiet as I came under her loving hand.  I loved her, and I loved outdoor vacation sex.

Other vacations have not gone so well.  Sometimes vacation sex is like New Year’s Eve.  Everyone tries too hard, expects too much, and doesn’t plan on being too exhausted to play when the dancing is done.  Sometimes the timing is bad, a period arrives, a cold sore blooms, the food is upsetting, or it’s just not working.  Suddenly the $140 hotel rate seems wasted and the bed seems too small, even when it is a California King.   

Sometimes vacation sex is about waiting until things settle, it’s about morning sex, when bodies are rested and the travel blues are dismissed.  It's about pulling back expectations and not insisting on doing it on the balcony when it’s only 50 degrees and the neighbors still have their lights on.  Vacation sex isn’t always a Penthouse letter or porn vignette, sometimes it’s a quiet hour alone when you know the kids won’t knock on the door, cry in their sleep, or come stumbling in to mom’s bed for comfort.  

So, on your next vacation, and as we all send good thoughts to Lola on her vacation, have fun, have good sex but more importantly, a great vacation. When you find time alone with your loved one, make it about them, not about new sheets, the big bed, or the patio shower. Enjoy the time away from your computer, the web, your blog, your friends, and make it about each other, about pleasure, about togetherness.

When my mother was giving me advice about my honeymoon, she told me not to go anywhere interesting, because, "you aren't going to leave the bedroom anyway." She thought she was funny.

Have a great vacation Lola! And remember, we expect pictures. :-)

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Today's post is brought to you by Advizor54 over at Free Advice is worth what you pay for it. Be sure to stop by and tell him that Lola sent you! Thanks Advizor! This is some great advice. I'm sure Jasper and I will be having some yummy vacation sex, but rest assured, we'll also be enjoying our vacation, too. Pictures forthcoming...for sure...

A Stern Warning (guest post)

Sex should not be funny.  Sex is deadly-serious stuff and while it might perhaps be intended for things other than procreation (specifically, becoming skilled enough at sex that it increases your chance of procreation) it's certainly not a topic for laughter and joking.

The bedroom is not a place for practical jokes.  For instance, never blindfold your partner before sex, then pretend to be about to have sex with him or her while actually calling in your best friend to switch places with you.  It might cause unnecessary friction in the relationship when your partner can't tell the difference between the two of you.  Never tie your partner down and tickle him or her teasingly, or make it just to the edge of intercourse and then pull away without completing the act.  It's both unfair to your partner and to your own biological needs to procreate (or at least practice).  Never playfully insert toys into various orifices instead of using your own body parts.  If you must employ toys at all, they should be the same shape and size as the parts they are intended to represent; candy canes, giant foam fingers, baseball bats, and bullet-shaped chrome vibrators with "From Russia With Love" scratched on the side of them are not to be employed.  Above all, sex toys are intended for physical stimulation; if they make you or your partner giggle, they should be thrown away.

Laughing while in the throes of coitus is both rude and potentially dangerous.  During sex, the higher functions of the brain, particularly in the male of the species, are ideally shut down completely, leaving the libido and medula oblongata the only thing functioning.  Laughter may bruise the ego, but it may also call to the primitive mind the cackle of the hyena, a deep-seated genetic memory of predatory beasts from the days when humans had to keep genitive encounters violent and short for fear of attracting wild animals.  Do not be surprised if your laughter, whether it be intended kindly or not, rouses a primitive instinct in your partner to throw you violently to the floor and grab the nearest sharp object to defend the cave.  Even if this does not happen to you, consider what laughter is saying to your partner: "I'm enjoying myself enough to be comfortable exposing my inner playfulness to you."  Is this really the message you want to send?  The answer is no: while during sex one must occasionally expose oneself physically (although one can avoid the lion's share of this by having sex with the lights out), one must make sure there is never an emotional or mental connection because those connections could lead to feelings other than the procreative urge.

Sex is not a time for games.  While it is grudgingly admitted by most professionals that the occasional change of position from the tried and true (and symbol of our human superiority over animals) missionary position must be countenanced, games should be kept in small boxes in a closet with names like "Chess," not brought to the bedroom for entertainment.  And don't think that it's okay to play a sexual version of Chess either.  Hide and Seek is a children's pass-time, not a prelude to love-making.  It should not be performed in the nude and should certainly not lead to intercourse in places other than the bed.  It is for children.  Because you have achieved the age where sexual congress is accepted, you are no longer children and thus games are no longer for you.

In particular, please do not invite a group of people to your bedroom to play games.  It may seem like a good idea to line up a group of women and play a sexy version of leapfrog, but what if one of those women should raise her head unexpectedly?  The man who is performing the leaps might not leap high enough, which could result in damage to his genitals and procreative urges.  Freeze tag is definitely also not a game to consider as a part of sexual activities, particularly if the rules involve either the safety zone being inside a woman's vagina or if the "tagging" must include some form of penetration.  In a pool with a group of like-minded and like-unclothed adults, the temptation to play Marco Polo may be strong, but resist the urge, even if the reward for catching someone is coitally-applied.

Perhaps you were one of those unfortunate youngsters who were tricked into playing a game of Spin the Bottle when you were younger.  This may have warped your mind slightly, but it's not too late.  Do not agree to play a similar game now that you are of an age to participate in things other than kissing.  Spin the Bottle may seem like an ideal way to gain sexual experience from someone other than your partner, but the chances of successful procreation outside your partnership are mitigated by the chances of disease or sexual incompatibility.  Plus, as has already been stated, sex is not a game.

There are some games which are perfectly acceptable for adults to play, many of which involve gambling.  Do not be tempted to turn these games into gambling for the sexual favors of other players.  "IOU one blowjob" is not an acceptable form of legal tender.  Games will be constantly being interrupted to partake of these sexual favors in any case, and this will disrupt both the enjoyability of the game and the congress of the favors.

I cannot let this section end without a discussion of Truth or Dare, or as it is sometimes called, Forfeits.  The latter is even more dangerous because there is no opportunity for the players to keep from having to be dared to do something, and while as a child, when games of this sort were more appropriate, the dares tended to be harmless enough, as an adult, you will no doubt be dared to do all manner of unseemly things, which might or might not be appropriate within the confines of your partnership but are definitely not to be made a game of.  Say no to sexual Truth or Dare.

Sex should never be given as a gift, or combined with other gifts in a way which would ostensibly improve the sexual act.  Wrapping oneself and lying under the Christmas tree increases the chances that the tree will fall over on one or both partners as the act is concluded, plus it shows disrespect for the holiday.  Playing a sexy version of Trick or Treat is just inappropriate and I need say nothing more about that.  Eggs were meant to be hidden in places other than the anatomical niches Mother Nature has provided for perfectly normal and serious functions.  I'm sure I need say nothing at all about the danger and sacrilege of combining July 4th and sexual activities.

In summation sex is an essential act, and as such is serious business for both the continuation of your species and the junction of two people in a relationship.  If you don't hate yourself a little for failing every time you have sex, if you don't cry secretly into your pillow at the thought of yet another sexual encounter with a partner for whom you feel next to nothing, if you are a woman and you achieve orgasm or you are a man and you take longer than a minute to achieve orgasm, you're doing it wrong.

I certainly hope no one will read this and take all the advice and reverse it to gain valuable tips on fun things to do sexually.  That was definitely not my intent.

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Today's guest post was written by Lexi over an at Exploits of Lexi. You should go visit her. She's got all kinds of good stuff over there. I'm sure she'll get you all worked up and probably even make you laugh a bit! Thanks so much for being my guest, Lexi!