As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was reflecting on discovering my sister's secret. This led me to thoughts of my mom. About a year and a half after her death, I found out, by accident, that she'd had a baby out of wedlock and had given it up for adoption. I believe this happen in 1969 or so. The situation was very hush-hush in her family (I'm not even sure that all of her siblings know). My sister knew all about this, and I sought much solace in talking through things with her. Overall I felt so betrayed that I hadn't learn this information about my mom from her, and a little jealous that she'd shared this bit about herself with my sister. Logically it does make sense. My sister was living an entirely different teenage life than I was. I was very strong in my religion; I was a good student; I had good friends. My sister was not living the good, virtuous life I was. I can see how my mom would've shared this with her - in hopes she would not get into the same trouble my mom had.
So, these are the things I was thinking about this morning. Partly, I feel good about knowing my sister's secret now rather than discovering it later and feeling betrayed by her as well.
All of these thoughts led to thoughts of my mom in general. I miss her immensely and think of her often. Today's thoughts were not so much about how much I miss her but about how pivotal her death was in my life. If I could have her back, I would take her in a heartbeat! But, I also think that my life would be very different if she were still alive. I'm not sure I would've taken the same paths that got to me to where I am today. Perhaps I still would've ended up here. Perhaps not.
As all these thoughts were jumbling around in my mind, I took a look at the calendar and realized that today is the 16th anniversary of her death. Sixteen years ago today, the life of this 17-year-old teenager changed forever. Now, my thoughts have definitely turned to missing her. Reflecting on all the times I longed for her to be by my side throughout these past years; reflecting on all the love she showered on me while I had her in my life.
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In other news... Have I mentioned how frickin COLD it is outside??? Today, when I left for work, the temps hadn't even reached 0°F yet. According to The Weather Channel app on my phone it is currently -6 and feel like -21. The forecasted high? SEVEN COLD-ASS FUCKING DEGREES!!
Brrrrr......
Some days I really hate MN!
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This past weekend, we had a huge snowstorm. Some may even call it a blizzard. Here are a few pictures I took on Sat and Sun.
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| This pic was to show that the depth of the snow was up to my knees! (And that's Sallie, the cutest little dog.) |
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| Snow up to the bottom of my long, winter coat |
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| Knee-deep |
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| Cute long johns! How do you like my two pairs of similarly, but not quite matching, socks? |
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| Car buried in the snow |
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| And the same car AFTER the plows came by |
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| Buried park bench |
Hope you all are staying nice and warm!!
Would you be different if she was around? Of course, the influence of our moms is powerful and we miss them when they are gone. We look back and wonder about the advice they would have given, the problems they would have solved, the directions we would have taken together.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to think of her on these special days, and every day.
oh santa! love your holiday avatar!
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@A54 - Thank you for your kind words. It is always nice to think of *Mom*.
ReplyDelete@Eternal List - Why, thank you!
These cold winter days can serve a purpose for reflecting on the paths that life takes us.
ReplyDeleteI'm having a hard time telling the difference between the two socks!
Cute long johns :)
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss Lola, but know that you have become a stronger person, emotionally, as a result. I'm not saying you would be better or worse either way, but you would have learnt to deal with many things on your own.. :)
ReplyDelete@Marcus - Nothing like cold winter days to fill our minds with reflection. Perhaps that's why snuggling is extra important in the cold. :))
ReplyDelete@SW - Thanks for your kind words. I do miss her immensely, but I know that I am much stronger after successfuly manuevering through the storms life has thrown my way.
those were very cute long johns...
ReplyDeletewould have liked to take them off you though... *opps that slipped*
@Sir Thomas - As long as you promise to keep me warm in others ways (wink, wink), you're welcome to slip those long johns right off me.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry to hear about your loss Lola, but know that you have become a stronger person, emotionally, as a result. I'm not saying you would be better or worse either way, but you would have learnt to deal with many things on your own.. :)
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